2012 Goal one - Rock the Frock holding a Croc

Back from Rockhampton after a trip to a real Croc Farm.  This is something I've wanted to see for ages, so today was really special.

As a total  aside, also found where I'd buy a holiday home WHEN I win Lotto (gotta keep up the positive thinking, Its The Secret... sheesh it was on Oprah)  Keppel Sands.  Total isolation, beach, fishing, quaint (read time warp 50's)

Anywho... back to my Crocs.  Actually going to rephrase that, because if there is one thing I can be completely sure about, its that you will NEVER see me wearing those God awful shoe things.  Back to the Crocodiles.  I'm madly in love.  Who'd have thought... now we are going to need serious acreage so I can have my 3 dogs, Persians, goats, peacocks, miniature pigs AND a croc.

So we did the whole tour thing (again loved it, highly recommended day trip) and I was feeling kinda cute today, khaki shorts, grey Tshirt, and a very cute gingham flower brooch.  Feeling good...until (insert mandatory Jaws Music)

I see the photo

My reality is seriously messed up.  I know I'm heavy (getting close to the heaviest I've ever been again) (8kgs to go, but the scales are moving the wrong way)  But I still get a fright when I see the damage Ive done to myself in a photo.

So, in the name of accountability, I'm going to post my Croc pic.  Its pretty sad.  I don't get in front of the camera often for this very reason.

My promise to me - this is the LAST time this year I'll be this weight.  The scales are moving down.  I'm going to lose, once and for all, the 20kg that plagues me.

I brought a dress at a (spectacular) sale a few weeks ago ($265 marked down to $25) (YES I KNOW).  A motivation dress.  Something to aim for. And, just because I'm motivated by grand gestures I've come up with the first of my 5 goals for this year.

2012 Goal One

By the end of 2012, I'm going to Rock my Frock holding a Croc.

Yep, I'm getting into this dress, and I'm going back to have my photo taken with a Croc wearing my Frock.  Then, I'm posting the before and after photos.

Bring. It. On.

RachB

xxx

The pub epiphany

So I had this moment of

 "sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience." 

 (I stole that from a dictionary)

AT THE PUB.

I know. Usually my the only thinking involved is vodka, or cider.  But last night I realised something huge.

SO, I'll set the scene for you a bit.  I went to the pub with a dear friend for company because she was invited with some people she only really knew 'through the husbands'  Contrary to what I'd have you believe I don't really go to the pub often.  Par-tay animal in a past life, these days it just  makes me feel old, and just highlights the fact that after 10pm I really should be home in bed.

So one of the women we meet for drinks I'd met before.  I was instantly envious of her life.  Of. Every. Single. Part.  This woman is fabulous.  Perfect hair, perfect children, perfect husband, she is running a marathon this year (I know a bloody MARATHON) she has a figure of a runner, slim and tiny, perfect skin, teeth, nails.  She is effortlessly elegant.  She works saving the environment.  AND she is finishing her Masters degree.  In short - she has my perfect life.

So we had a great night.  A really great night.  Laughs, drinks, jokes.  A really fantastic night.  But at the end of the night my perfect ideal 'woman to aspire to' did something really bloody stupid.  I mean really bloody stupid.  Random stranger stupid, not little stupid, BIG stupid. And it was normal for her.

Now -  how can someone who has the life I want, do something that would jeopardise it, do something that would risk it all?  and here is my moment of clarity.

Outward shit is just that SHIT.  If you are not happy on the inside, it doesn't matter how beautiful your life appears on the outside, you'll still be unhappy.  Beautiful, but unhappy.

So I woke this morning, and realised with a jolt just how lucky I am.  I have, My Husband, My Son, My wonderful Job, My House and Home, and My Life makes me happy.  Super happy.  In fact, I wouldn't risk what I have for anything.

RachB
xxx

Hey Rachel - CATCH

You know when some one fakes a pass, and you always flinch? Well I've just realised I pretty much feel like that ALL the time. I'm ready for the hammer to fall, the sword to drop, the presenter to jump out and yell Candid Camera

It's funny, people don't perceive me to be insecure. Quite the opposite in fact. I've an excellent game face.

Maybe I just don't know how to be happy and contented. I have this underlying belief that I just don't deserve it. On paper I've had a rough start to my adult life, but then who really looks back and goes *sigh* life was just so damn easy at 18. After a rough patch in my 20s the last 10 years things have fallen into place, and I just can't help but think I just don't deserve it.

I'm riddled with guilt over things I did when I was at school, my 1st major relationship, the break down of my 1st marriage, my parenting, moving my son SO many times. Hell, stupid I know, but I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, and just sweat over things I've done that people could've read wrong. (I'm telling you now, I'd have made a shit criminal) I'm always watching my step, terrified I'll not know the dance.

And now I'm settled I feel unsettled. Like I shouldn't deserve this. I think I suffer from the grass is always greener syndrome. I need to start to feel comfortable in my own skin, and start to forgive myself for decisions I made when I was young and dumb!

So what is going to make me feel comfortable in my skin? I've mentioned forgiveness, that's going to be a huge one for me.

  Losing weight? I'm going to do it anyway, but I just don't know if weight loss is the magic cure. Eegh, bugger it, I'm honest enough to admit to being shallow enough to WANT to rock my work party in a kickass frock.

I want to parent better. My son is 11, and I'll never be accused of helicopter parenting. (even though I HATE letting him grow up). Sometimes I look at him and a stranger looks back. I'm terrified how fast he is becoming a man. Mostly I'm terrified if I've done enough to make sure he gets to manhood safetly.

So, the 12wbt, round 1, 2012 preseason starts on Monday. I've got some searching to do before then, because this round, I want to set real goals. Goals that will change me and my family for the better. Mostly I want to be rid of the guilt always on edge feeling.

  I need some confidence.

RachB

P.S I'm not catholic, though I seriously would've made a good one.

The rules of Kerfuffle

So this year is about me.

Doesn't that sound like a prat, wankerish, full of myself statement!

I'm not usually a navel gazer, I'm not very zen. I tried yoga once, loved the class, thought I could really get into it, but like most things... Meh

So this year, at the risk of sounding like a total nong - I'm going to do stuff for me. Some big stuff, like losing weight, getting fit, cutting down. On. The. Alcohol... (yep that was hard to type). Becoming more financially 'adult', being a better wife and mother. I'm also going to have a go at some smaller more airy fairy stuff too. I want to declutter, find room for a passion, discover what makes me happy. I want to have one of those floaty in a tank experiences!

Mostly I want to commit to something. Anything. And stick to it. Follow through. I think I lack accountability. I want to promise myself I'll do something, and I want to get it done.

The aim of life is appreciation; there is no sense in not appreciating things; and there is no sense in having more of them if you have less appreciation of them.

Cut down, cut back, cut out.