Hey Rachel - CATCH

You know when some one fakes a pass, and you always flinch? Well I've just realised I pretty much feel like that ALL the time. I'm ready for the hammer to fall, the sword to drop, the presenter to jump out and yell Candid Camera

It's funny, people don't perceive me to be insecure. Quite the opposite in fact. I've an excellent game face.

Maybe I just don't know how to be happy and contented. I have this underlying belief that I just don't deserve it. On paper I've had a rough start to my adult life, but then who really looks back and goes *sigh* life was just so damn easy at 18. After a rough patch in my 20s the last 10 years things have fallen into place, and I just can't help but think I just don't deserve it.

I'm riddled with guilt over things I did when I was at school, my 1st major relationship, the break down of my 1st marriage, my parenting, moving my son SO many times. Hell, stupid I know, but I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, and just sweat over things I've done that people could've read wrong. (I'm telling you now, I'd have made a shit criminal) I'm always watching my step, terrified I'll not know the dance.

And now I'm settled I feel unsettled. Like I shouldn't deserve this. I think I suffer from the grass is always greener syndrome. I need to start to feel comfortable in my own skin, and start to forgive myself for decisions I made when I was young and dumb!

So what is going to make me feel comfortable in my skin? I've mentioned forgiveness, that's going to be a huge one for me.

  Losing weight? I'm going to do it anyway, but I just don't know if weight loss is the magic cure. Eegh, bugger it, I'm honest enough to admit to being shallow enough to WANT to rock my work party in a kickass frock.

I want to parent better. My son is 11, and I'll never be accused of helicopter parenting. (even though I HATE letting him grow up). Sometimes I look at him and a stranger looks back. I'm terrified how fast he is becoming a man. Mostly I'm terrified if I've done enough to make sure he gets to manhood safetly.

So, the 12wbt, round 1, 2012 preseason starts on Monday. I've got some searching to do before then, because this round, I want to set real goals. Goals that will change me and my family for the better. Mostly I want to be rid of the guilt always on edge feeling.

  I need some confidence.

RachB

P.S I'm not catholic, though I seriously would've made a good one.